Wouldn't you know it...

So I've been beyond stressed lately, with the death of my grandfather, no job, no money, Christmas is coming, etc, etc. Little things started to pile up, like dirty dishes or dirty socks being left willy nilly all over the apartment, stuff still in boxes, furniture still not put together, etc. It was starting to pile up inside me and making me go crazy. Actually go crazy. Last night Rob got called into work. I was watching tv and eating popcorn. Then I chipped a back tooth. Yup, same side as my other broken tooth, but down the bottom, closer to the back. It's one that has a filling it, so I'm wondering now if the whole thing will just fall apart on me, and I'll have two huge holes on that side of my mouth.

So I cracked the tooth, and everything, and I mean everything feel apart for me. I sat on the couch in the dark and cried. I cried over the tooth, I cried over the insurance and money I don't have to fix it, I cried over the dirty dishes and socks, the no job, the no Grampy, the issues Rob and I have been having lately, the feeling of worthlessness and unhappiness I've been having, etc. Rob came home and found me like that. He offered to do all the housework, in his usual "WHATEVER WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY, I'LL DO IT, JUST PLEASE STOP CRYING" fashion he has. I didn't want that. I told him that I understood that he was working and I wasn't, so it's normal for me to do the majority of housework, but I need help. Just a little bit, cause I can feel myself going nuts. It's that simple. It's a slippery slope, and I've been here before. I'm a long way from where I was, long ago, but it all starts somewhere, and I certainly don't want to get beyond this.

My Mom, Nanny Barb (maybe) and Aunt Bonnie were supposed to come up today, Bonnie had a flight to catch. I killed myself last night cleaning up the apartment, moved extremely heavy boxes, cleaned up the guest bedroom, etc. Threw out my back, cried when I tried to move, you know, all that typically fun stuff that I get myself into. Yeah, no one came. Oh, my Mom came, to my brother's house. I understand that since the baby is there, that's where people are going to stay, I get that. I'm totally fine with that. But John and Denise still haven't been over here to see my new place. I understand that they are busy with the baby and work and stuff, but still. Like today. Mom called and said that they were all going to Costco. I said that was fine, I'd see them later. She said no, they were coming over to get me. I said no, I didn't want to go to Costco. I didn't need anything from there, and I had no money, so why should I go to Costco? She said get my coat, they'll be there in a few minutes. So fine. I got ready, then they called from the parking lot. John, Denise, Mom and Meghan. Um, am I missing something here? You can't come in for five minutes and see where I live? It's not a huge deal, but I nearly killed myself trying to make it somewhat presentable, as much as it can be still filled with boxes, and no one but Rob is going to see it. That's fine.

Ugh! I want to scream or something! Nothing is going right. I'm supposed to go home with Mom and Kendra tomorrow. I just want to sit quietly and sleep all day. How am I going to survive that car ride? And then I get to go and wrap a million presents for my sad grandmother. That's going to be wonderful. I just want this whole stupid Christmas to be over. I hate it this year, I don't want it, I want it to go away.

Sad, sad, sad

It's been an awful week. I guess it's been a bit more then a week now. Who knows anymore? It's become so hard to keep track of what time it is, or even what day it is anymore. As hard as it is, I think it's important for me to write about this stuff. I need to get it off of my chest.

Tuesday morning I received a phone call. My Grampy had a stroke the night before. We were weakly hopeful. I would be called when news was offered. I few hours later I received a call from my father. It didn't look like Grampy would make the night. You need to come home. I cried. I screamed. I rocked back and forth. I don't know if I can actually describe to anyone just how much I loved my Grampy. He means so much to me. He's always been there. Always. And he's always shown his love, clearly, to me, unlike many others I grew up with.

I made it home that night, 9:30. My little brother let me into the locked doors of the hospital. My Grampy, that man full of life, fight and fun, was lying on the bed. An oxygen mask on his face. His chest rising slightly. His eyes tightly closed. I broke down. I refused to sit next to him. I also refused to leave that room that night. I stayed, sure he would be gone soon. As the night grew on, I was able to sit next to him. Hold his hand. Whisper in his ear how much I loved him.

He was still alive the next morning. And the next night. My Aunt Bonnie and older brother were coming that night. We said that he was waiting for them. The night before he seemed to be in a lot of pain, and was given medication which seemed to calm him. The twitching and kicking stopped. Unless I placed a cold cloth on his forehead, or unless someone told him "Bonnie and John Mitchell are almost here." Oh, how he kicked.

He survived the night. And the next day. His whiskers were growing. It was awful. My Grampy never had a beard. He was always clean shaven and well dressed, he always smelled lightly of Old Spice. That night, Thursday, was awful. His breathing stopped at least 15 times. Probably more. I almost screamed at him to just let go, stop fighting. We were going to be ok without him. It would be hard, but we would be able to go on, eventually. But he would regain his breath. The next morning, as I had every other morning, I left to go home for my shower, but I didn't think I could come back. I had been there every day and every night, but that night was awful. Awful. I didn't know if I had it in me to give anymore. I stayed home for a few hours, tried to sleep, played with the baby, cried on Clayton...

It was John Mitchell who convinced me to go back. The nurses, the wonderful, wonderful nurses, shaved him. He was clean cut now. And apparently his breathing was better, and his color too. I went back. My Nanny Barb jumped up and hugged me, told me she was so glad I came back. I kept up my vigil. I owed it to him. I had been away for so long. I owed it to him to be there for him.

Now were were waiting for my cousin Jeremy to fly home, as well as one of Grampy's sisters. Friday they would be coming, her in the afternoon, him in the evening. We all knew he was waiting for Jeremy.

That night was hard. My grandmother said goodbye to Grampy for the second time in a week. Myself and my aunt, uncles, and mother sat in the TV room of the hospital and watched a Rankin's Family special. We laughed, some of us danced (my aunt is crazy)...We may have had cabin fever. Jeremy got there, as did Rob, and Clayton came too. The night was over, Mom, Bonnie and I were left alone with him again. My mother wrote his obituary, sure it would be over.

The next morning, he was the same. His breathing labored, but no more so then the night before. I wanted to scream. He was so stubborn. He was going to go on his own time, and that was it. My grandmother called that morning, as she always did. She told us "Maybe he needs to be alone to go. Why don't you three come on home for a bit. Have a shower, have some breakfast. Rest." We didn't want to go, but she did, so we started to tidy the room, and I called my Uncle Greg, and told him the news. I hung up the phone, turned to tell Mom and Bonnie not to forget their purses. When I got no answer, I turned back to the bed, and they were sitting beside him, mom holding up her hand. I stopped. I looked. He wasn't breathing. Mom yelled "Go get the nurses," I ran, in my sock feet, to the nurses station, tried to say "Wilena" but it didn't quite get out. The nurses followed. When I got back, he had taken another breath. Wilena took his pulse and told us it was time. Mom made me call my uncle Greg back to tell him to bring my grandmother. My hand was shaking so hard I could barely dial. When I hung up the phone, he took his final breath.

And it was finally over.

After all that waiting, it was finished. My Mother and Aunt cried as if their hearts were breaking. I sat there and shook, crying my own tears. We had asked for this so much during the last few days and when it happened, it was the last thing we wanted.

Then the phone calls, the family, the screaming of my grandmother, the sitting...It's all a haze. It didn't even feel real. Life was somewhat normal as we waiting for the funeral.

The funeral. I read. I'm still amazed I got through it. People tell me I did well. I don't know. I'm not a religious person, in fact I'm surprised that I didn't burst into flames, but I took comfort in the words that I spoke. I felt like I was doing something. Before and after the funeral, my grandmother told me many times how proud my Grampy would be of me. I think he would probably have told me to stop being so foolish, but who knows?

The graveside was the worst. I will never forget my grandmother screaming "no no no," or my mother "trying" to take my carnation from me (every other grandchild threw theirs into the grave with him, I felt bad about this, but as Mom reminded me, Grampy hated flowers, so would have been glad I kept mine). Rob and I left soon afterwards, came back from Halifax.

And my frustration continues. I don't know why. It just seems like I'm not happy. And I don't know what to do about it. I know a lot of it has to do with Grampy, but I was unhappy before hand too. And Rob is so touchy lately. I make suggestions and he snaps at me. I hide in the bedroom, he in the living room, and we live our lives separately. I need a job. That way I can have a real reason to hide from him. I shouldn't have to hide from him, or want to. I don't know what to do.

I just want to get this whole stupid holiday behind me.

Starting all over again....

Well here I am, in Halifax. No job, no money, but an apartment and a boy. My boy.

We've been here a bit over a month now, and the job hunt isn't going very well, for either one of us. I've applied to countless jobs and haven't gotten a bite yet. That's gotta make a girl feel good about herself. I'm going to start applying for shitty retail jobs now, anything to get some money coming in. Most days I try not to think about it. Other days it's all I can do. I'm glad that I came, but it makes me wonder...I mean, in Calgary Rob and I both had good jobs, good friends...and now...ugh, with Christmas coming, it's very stressful.

But I am, over all, very happy to be here. I mean, the ocean! My family and old friends...though things are stressful on that front too. My grandfather is recovering really well from his TWO heart attacks but his pancreas isn't doing well...they think that he might have pancreatic cancer. Like five percent of people with pancreatic cancer make it for five years...I'm trying not to think about it. That seems to work most days, though I did cry myself quietly to sleep one night. I don't want to stress Rob out over things that he can't fix.

Speaking about Rob being stressed, he's been very stressed off and on, due to the whole money thing, job thing, moving thing. Sometimes he would snap. Other times he would go and be by himself. I don't deal well with my own stress, let alone someone elses.

This is it so far. Hopefully I will have better news to post soon.

Hosptial Music

Where to begin? It’s been a really long time since I’ve written in this. Almost a month now. Such is my curse. I love to write, but often stop for no reason whatsoever. I make up reasons. Too busy, too tired, having nothing to say. But there are always things to say, if you really try.

Where to begin? Work is going great in some respects, not so great in others. The new receptionist is wonderful. Judy is a gift from the non-existent gods. She always wants to work. And she does my filing, which Wendy was so intent on me doing. What the fuck ever. Judy is always working, and if she has nothing to do, she will ask everyone if they have anything that needs to be done. That’s just amazing to me. Like night and day. And she drives me home a lot. That’s pretty awesome. There are other issues, as they always are. I just keep waiting for things to be resolved, and keep on saying to myself “If I was the boss…”

Last Saturday Rob and I helped Chrissy and T move into their new condo. It’s a really cute little place, which a huge back deck (which I got burnt on that day. Ah, fun times). I can’t wait to spend some non working time there. The day actually wasn’t too bad. We got there late, so we didn’t help as much as we could have, but I would like to think that we helped make a difference. I gave them Idiot Boy’s tiny TV that he left at Shelly’s that I was using at my apartment now until Chrissy gave me an older bigger one of hers. So now we’re just trading TV’s it seems. Good times! So anyway, I hope they get some use out of Idiot Boy’s TV, since I don’t want it. I was going to give it to goodwill, but Chrissy and T’s seems like a good place.

Sunday we drove to Vulcan to do the geeky thing. And it was pretty geeky. I bought a Borg bear and a Captain bear which I have named 13 of 69 (thank you Chrissy!) and Captain Ricky. They have brought me much enjoyment. I’m wishing I had bought the communicator that I saw. But I didn’t. What can you do? I really, really wish that Jill was there. I would have done so many stupid, geeky, retarded things if Jill was with me. But what can you do? She’s being all married and adult like in Ontario, which is all good. Just makes me sad sometimes. I keep wishing and hoping that someday, maybe, Jill and I will live in the same province again. I guess I should probably stop holding my breath on that one. But stranger things have happened I suppose.

We’ve been doing some trip planning. I’m getting excited to go to the States and to finally see Stacia face to face…it’s very exciting! Plus I get to dress up (and be to token fat girl in the wedding, but that’s ok) and see all sorts of new places I’ve never seen before. I’m hoping that it will all go well.

I also got new glasses. I got a nice pair of prescription sunglasses and then just a regular pair. They are blue. Everyone keeps telling me how much they like them, so it looks like they’re not stupid after all. I was a little worried that I wouldn’t be able to pull them off, but apparently I can. Good stuff!

I guess I should get back to work now. I don’t want to, but I should probably earn my pay check. Boo! The important thing is I updated this for T!

I also feel I must tell everyone I am obsessed with Matt Good’s Hospital Music. When I bought the CD last summer I wasn’t so thrilled. Then I started reading more about the CD and making of it (depression, suicide attempt, divorce, etc) and started listening to it harder. Now I love it. There are some songs I’m not thrilled with, but that’s normal for a Matt Good CD in my experience. There is one in particular that I just love. I don’t know what it is about it, but I love it. It’s called “The Boy Come Home” The first verse in particular gets me, so for your viewing pleasure, here it is:

“While I go over it in my headWalk through those doors and stand there staringAnd there ain't one soul that's in there deadMy hand stays out, I keep my headAnd walking out I see you sitting in that Ford of your old man'sScratching your arms like your skin is crawlingBut done up the best you can”

It may not seem very nice or great…but seriously, listen to the song a couple of times and give it a chance…

Happy Birthday To Me!

I am officially a quarter of a century right now. How scary is that? It's weird. But I guess it had to happen some day.

My pre birthday weekend was pretty great, with some kind of shitty stuff thrown in here for good measure, cause, let's face it, it's me after all. Saturday at the Virgin Fest, was insanely hot. No shade. Lots of sun. Some water...I got massive sunburns on odd parts of my body, like my hands, feet, and insides of my arms, plus more normal spots too. Fun times. Then I'm pretty sure I got heat exhaustion. That sort of sucked. We left early that night, but didn't really care about the later acts, so that was fine. When I got home, I had a cold shower and got a horrible pounding headache and thought for a brief minute there, my head might actually explode. You will be happy to know that it did not, but it tried really hard to.

Yesterday was better. Not as hot, less sun and more cool breezes. And awesome music. Lots of smoking, lots of pot, lots of pushing, but a pretty damn good day. Until we got to Rob's car and found out that it was broken into. A wonderful typical ending to one of our days. His cd's and ipod were stolen, and some dirty old crackhead touched all of his stuff, but otherwise, I think he's ok stuff wise. His driver's side backseat window however, is taped up right now. Poor Rob. He did get me an awesome birthday card though (haven't gotten the rest of my birthday present yet, I'm spoiled!) that he made me open. I'm pretty sure he thinks I need to go to AA, but I'm good with that :)

Quiet

I'm home alone tonight. Just Chekov and I. My landlords are fighting again. Yelling at their little girl. Do they think that I can't hear them? Or do they even care?

I'm tired tonight. And not feeling good. My stomach is sick and my head is aching. I'm nervous about tomorrow. And I'm alone. Oh, did I already say that? Rob won't be over until Friday, most likely. The apartment seems really quiet and empty. I think I'm ready to start living with Rob for good. I wonder what we will do though. He's talking about staying in Calgary longer then I was expecting, but not a year longer I don't think. I don't know what I will do when my lease is up here. I sure as hell don't want to live with three boys. Ugh, I don't even want to think about it.

Tomorrow is my appointment. I'm getting nervous. Really nervous. That's probably part of my sick feelings tonight. Chrissy and T will be taking me tomorrow and waiting for me to be finished. I'm still freaked out though. I'm just really scared that there's going to be something really wrong with me. Everyone keeps telling me that everything will be fine, and it probably will...but at the same time...anything could happen. It's just adding to my stress ulcer.

My Mom wants my uncle Jamie to stop driving. She also wants him to get his eyes checked. I wish I was there. I want to spend time with my uncle while he's still able to do things. I don't want to get there only to push him around in a wheel chair.

I have to drink so much water tomorrow. Here's hoping I can keep it all in until my test is done.

Updated!

It's been a bit since I've written anything here. I just don't seem to go on my computer much at home, Rob has been over a lot lately. Cause we are basically living in sin. Good times.

My ultrasound is this week. Hopefully they will figure out what's wrong with me. I have to say I wasn't impressed when my friend Jenny told me that they did an internal one on her. At least she warned me before hand. That would have been a big shock. An unpleasant one. Ugh. Anyway, it's in the afternoon and Rob is working, so Chrissy and T will be taking me. I was really freaking out about it at first, but I'm better now. I told them that if they had other plans, I would be ok to go on my own, but they love me and said they would still go with me. So good times on Thursday. Fingers crossed that they find out what's wrong with me. And if they do, fingers crossed even harder that it's nothing really bad.

I've been walking to work lately, and it's been raining. Like everyday. And if it just happens to be cloudy and not raining, the ground is still soaked. So my poor feet have been wet for like two weeks this week. This morning Rob drove me in. I was so happy. I was here really early, but that's ok. The banked time is good.

We had a retarded fight on Friday night. I'm not going to go into it, because it's just too retarded. But it centered around a Kenny vs Spenny episode. I think it's a case of we don't really fight at all, just once every few months. Yeah, we have little cranky moments, but no fights. So I think we just keep all of the annoyances inside and then let them out once every few months and feel better. We made up that night so it was all good.

Work is retarded. They still haven't hired a girl for upfront and I have to answer the phones everyday at 4 when everyone else leaves, and I answer them when they ring during the day and the girl who's up front doesn't answer. But apparently I "haven't done phones" for two weeks now. Whatever. Fuck, I hate how childish it can be here, people don't come right up and say something to you. They go running to mommy or daddy or start talking behind your backs. Babies.

Exhausted

Why am I so tired? All the time? Is there an actual reason? Or am I just lazy?

Friday was month end at work. Everyone was freaking out. For no particular reason. I don't understand why people do that, leave everything for the last day of the month, when you know that stuff needs to be finished on that day. Other then messing up my check run and having to do things for other people, the day went pretty well. I finished at 5 and was able to leave. I walked home again. A little over half way it started to rain a bit. I tried to call Rob, but my phone wasn't working right. I kept missing his calls and I kept getting his voice mail. When I finally did get a hold of him it was thundering and pouring down rain. Lucky for me I had my umbrella, and was able to be mostly dry by the time he picked me up, about five minutes from my house. We went for Coco Brooks pizza and had a somewhat damp quiet night in. He fell asleep by 10 on the couch. We're old.

Saturday we didn't do anything until about 8. We left and did a few errands, then met Chrissy and T for Indiana Jones. I'm glad that I saw it with them. It was pretty good, lame plot, but the plot isn't the important things in those movies, it's the people. So I'm happy.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was jittery or something. I moved around a lot. Rob woke me up in the middle of the night saying something about duct tape. He's cool like that. I woke up early, couldn't sleep anymore, so I got up. I just don't feel like myself lately. Today, after laying on the bed for a while, Rob took me to the grocery store then he went home. I just didn't feel like hanging out. Nothing about Rob, just me. Me and the crazy girl that I am.

I can talk!

My mouth is mostly healed now. The mouthwash really helped heal it up a lot faster then I thought it would. It's just nice to be able to drink water without it hurting.

I walked to work today. It wasn't raining when I left, it was just misting so it was all good. However, the ground was just soaking wet, so by the time I got to work, my feet were like sponges. It was gross. I was soaked to the bone, foot-wise. So I had to dry those out all day long. Good times.

So I'm broken again. Even though I was broken two weeks ago. I had one week between periods. This is not normal. I need to make an appointment with a girly bits doctor and try and figure out what the f is going on with my body. This is just so frustrating and annoying and gross. I'm just sick of it. Poor Rob, he's putting up with so much crap from me. I'm a tad bit on edge and cranky. I love Rob, he's so good to me.

Why must Dentists Mock Me?

Why do I have such horrible luck with dentists? I'm not a horrible person. I don't have the best teeth but I do my best to take care of them. I waited around and waited around and waited around until I could see the dentist last night. There are only so many places you can go in Sunridge.

Finally it was my appointment. I went in, and she looked at my mouth for all of thirty seconds and said "Hmmm, likes like you "probably" bit your cheek when it was frozen." then proceeded to tell me that she could do nothing for me, and that it had to get a lot worse before it was going to get better. I asked her if there was anything she could give me as I was in horrible agony and she was like, no, not really. Gee, thanks bitch.

I was really mad. Rob came to pick me up and suggested we go to Shoppers, on the off chance that the drug lady could suggest anything for me. I describe my disgusting problem to her, and She was like "Your dentist didn't give you anything? Jeesh!" and stalked off to go get me lots of goodies, like codeine, a mouth rinse and a gel to numb it. The mouthwash hurts like hell, but not as much as the warm salt water I've been rinsing with. And it actually feels like it's healing the cut. The drugs made me loopy last night and put me in a high sleep for about two hours, but I was awake the rest of the night, so I didn't go in today. I'm glad I didn't, because I've been keeping my mouth closed, and it feels so much better. Answering phones and questions and blah blah blah all day at work kills me, it stretches out the cut that's trying so hard to heal. So hopefully it will get lots of rest and healing time today. Fingers crossed. It's been a week exactly today since it's happened. It better heal up soon.

Rob might take me to Ikea after he's done work. I might get a new bedspread. I'm such a girl sometimes.

Owie

I failed to mention that my mouth has been in extreme pain since Thursday when I got four fillings on my right side (yes, I know, my teeth suck. Moving on...). Funny thing is the teeth are fine. It's my cheek this is killing me. It's to the point that it hurts to eat or drink anything, even water, and it hurts to open my mouth. I was mumbling all my words yesterday. I'm almost certain it's from when the assistant tried to put some stupid cardboard thing against my right cheek to keep it away from the tooth. It was too big for my mouth, as most of the things they try to use on me are, and she was having trouble getting it in there, so she actually shoved it in. I was all frozen, but I could still kind of feel it slide along my cheek. I thought "Uh oh, that's probably going to hurt." Um, yeah. Extreme pain. For almost a week. I was going to go to the clinic after work today. I called my dentist to cancel my appointment for Thursday, because if I can't open my mouth wide enough to eat cereal, a two hour dental appointment is probably out of the question. The receptionist told me my dentist should look at my mouth, I said fine, but she couldn't see me until tomorrow after work. For christ's sake. I just want something to make the pain go away. I've tried Aleve and Advil extra strength gel caps but they're not doing anything. I think it's infected and I need antibiotics, even though I hate them. Rinsing with salt water hurts like hell and makes me want to cry, but it does feel really good for a little while afterwards. I need drugs!

Long Weekend

I'm stressed. Let me just make myself clear. It's really hard for me to be out here, so far away from my family. So much is happening at home, and some of my family tries to keep me in the dark about it, saying things are ok when they're really not.

My Grampy is sick. Really sick. He only weighs 130lbs now. He's tiny and sick. He tells me he feels good. How can you feel good when you're so sick? You can't. I hate not being there. He sounded good when I talked to him yesterday, and he called me his favorite girl, which made me happy. His doctor is on vacation so we won't hear back about the test results for a while. I'm terrified of test results. it seems like that's all that I wait for. Test results. And the results are never good. My Mother told me today that my Nanny Barb doesn't think Grampy will make it through the summer. I can't believe that's true. I can't believe that the last time I will have seen my grampy is over a year ago, when he hugged me on his front step and told me he loved me. He's one of the most stubborn people I've met, even more so then me, so I have to believe that he's a fighter, and that I will see him again.

My great grandmother is giving up on everything. She put her name in to the manor at home (old folk's home-really just a babysitter). It's like she just doesn't care anymore. About anything. My Mom is angry at her, and scared, I'm sure. We've been blessed with young grandparents. It's hard when they're getting old. I try to remember what it was like to lose my Poppy a few years ago, and that doesn't even seem real.

My uncle Jamie fell down at work the other day. Beat his arm all up. This might be the most upsetting for me. My uncle Jamie is the the nicest person in the world. He doesn't deserve this. God damn genetics.

My poor grandmother ended up in the hospital, with what I think is probably a stress induced issue. That poor woman.

My Dad is drinking a lot again. I don't know if it's because he has diabetes and he's upset about that, or if he's upset about the state of the crab fishery (last year it was about 10 or 15 thousand lbs they could catch, this year it was 5...that's our big money fishery). Mom is not happy, and all the stress she's under with her family...it's not a good mixture.

I want to be there. I want to push a button and fix everyone. I want to hug my Grampy and look him in the eyes and know that he's going to be ok. I want to hug my grandmother and take away her stress. I want to hug my uncle Jamie and take out the god damn genes in him that are making him sick. I want to make everyone better and happy. But I can't.

I cried a lot yesterday. I hate to cry. I spent a lot of my early life crying, and then just stopped and held as much inside as I could. I was folding laundry and started to cry. I felt like an idiot. Rob held me and made me lay down. He held me and I cried. I felt really stupid but I felt better afterwords. He told me, again, that I don't need to hold everything inside anymore. He's my rock. I don't need to do it on my own. But it's hard to hand that responsibility over to someone again. But if anyone can handle it, I think he can.

Peaceful Morning Walks

Everyone at work thinks I'm crazy now. Well, I'm pretty sure that they all thought I was crazy before, but they think I'm crazy for walking to work in the morning. I'm actually really enjoying the peaceful times I get int he morning. As long as it's not raining or cold and I don't get hit by a car crossing McKnight, it's a really peaceful morning. I enjoy the walking, the thinking, the day dreaming. Sometimes I listen to music, but mostly I just think. I enjoy the alone me time. Plus it's nice to have almost an hour before work to prepare for the horrors of work.

Rainy Day Blues

I don’t understand how the day can be going fine, well, normal (that means full of small annoyances but nothing out of the ordinary) and then my mood just totally bottoms out. I thought I was through with all this crap. I went through this enough already, haven’t I? I’m so sick of this. The last couple of days I’ll be fine, and then I’ll just sit there and stare at nothing and think of nothing and do nothing until I can snap myself out of it. It’s very annoying. And if people ask me if I’m ok, what do I say? Yes, no, maybe, who the hell knows? Probably the last one. I just don’t like it when my mood suddenly decides to be a douche bag. It’s no fun for me, and it’s no fun for the people around me.

The crappy weather probably isn’t helping any. My parents are having fishing trouble, and therefore money trouble. My family isn’t dealing well with my uncle’s illness. My grampy is in complete denial about the whole thing. When my poor stressed upset grandmother tried to speak to him about it seriously, he freaked out. He yelled, he cursed, he cried and then left the house. And typical with my family, we are not ever going to mention that such a thing happened ever again. If it can be swept under a rug, there it goes, with all the other stuff that’s hurt or upset people in the past. Or add it to the growing ulcer in your stomach. That’s my preferred method. My aunt Bonnie is worried about my uncle Jamie, and she’s angry, and she’s scared and upset and she’s worried about herself but doesn’t want to get tested. And I’m in Calgary, where I can’t do a damn thing about any of this stuff. It get’s hard. Yeah, sometimes it’s nice to be away from the drama of family, but somedays I would give anything to have it all back again.

When will this work day end? I just can’t do anything else today. I just want to go home and hide my head under a blanket until everything goes away. Maybe I will.

On a happy note (I know, strange, coming from me) my Pois---I mean Mints for Friends are a big hit at work, but strangely enough, no one wants one. How odd…

Well, that was fun.

Or not. I spent my morning/early afternoon at the dentist today. It was a new dentist, and I like her a lot. Everyone there (Sunshine Dental) was much nicer then my last place (Sunridge Dental). No one yelled at me for not having a wide mouth. However, I need a lot of work done. This sucks. I have about a trillion cavities that need to get fixed and I need a bridge. Fun times. Other then the dentist stuff, everything is pretty good.

Work is going fine. I feel nice and isolated in my office which is good. I really don't know what's going on ever now, and it's sweet that way. I took the whole day off today, it was nice. I'm really sleepy though. Rob stayed over, so I had to get up just after six with him, and he didn't sleep very well last night, very tossy turny all night. Fun times. I don't know if we will be hanging out today or not.

On an up note I walked all the way to work yesterday morning. I was pretty amazed with myself. I'm going to try to do it at least a few times a week if I can, save on bus fare and maybe get my weight down some. Fingers crossed.

But as I said, nothing much is happening. Such is my life.

Baking cookies with Love

And flour. And eggs. And other such things. Seriously though, I am baking cookies right now. The last pan is in the oven. Chocolate chip if anyone was wondering. Rob didn't come over tonight, so I had to find something to fill the time. I managed to rearrange some things on my kitchen counter, fish the fishy pepper shaker that Chrissy got me out from behind the stove (lesson learned, do not balance it where it can fall) unbroken! Then I decided to make cookies since I bought a new pan on the weekend.

Ah, the weekend. They are becoming more and more of a blur as the days go by. They go by so much quicker then days at work. It's sucky. Have no idea what was done Friday night. Saturday I met up with Chrissy and T for what I thought was a girl's day at the sex shop, but turned out to involve Chrissy's new toy. A little weird to go to a sex shop with a guy you're not sleeping with or haven't known for a while, but whatever. Oh, I should also mention I was mad at Rob when I first got out of the car at Chrissy's because he did the exact same thing as the last time he dropped me off. We came up to the turn off and he asked me "Is this the turn?" I said "I'm not sure" and he got all mad. I'm sorry, I don't drive. I honestly don't pay attention to where I'm being driven. But "It's your friend, you should know!" Um, you're the driver, you should know. Whatever.

(Cookies are now finished)

We went to the shop, it was nice and classy. I may or may not have bought some items. We went to Walmart where Rob met me and I got a passport picture. I look like I'm in jail. We did some more running around and came home. Sunday is where it really gets interesting.

Sunday we're lazy, as usual. I can't sleep in most weekends so we're sleepy too. We finally get moving, and have a little tiff, due to cranky behaviour no doubt, but we're going. It's about 11:30 and we're both hungry, we're going to go get something to eat! Or not. The passenger side tire blew out in my ally. So I got to watch my boy change a tire, which was kind of hot for some reason. Then we drove to Canadian Tire and got two new front tires. We walked around Canadian Tire and the Asian mall for a while, waiting for it to be done. My fears of running into idiot boy in such places have pretty much disappeared. Anyway, it was done, and then we still didn't have any food. We ended up pretty much just going home and eating left overs. Good times.

Now onto the exciting news of today. I sort of kind of have my own office! I do have to share it, but it's with someone who's really quiet and respectful. So I'm all for that. It has walls and a door and everything! Just no window. I'm so excited. I spent most of the afternoon moving stuff, so I didn't get much work done after lunch, but I finally have space. No one can understand how happy I am to have actual space to work in. I can spread out my stuff now! So it was actually a pretty good Monday. Though Claudia, Amanda and Angie are all mad at me for moving. Maybe I will bring them some cookies tomorrow.

Oh, and I finally made a dentist appointment!

You've got to be kidding me

Another fucking note. This time on the dryer telling me to "keep top of dryer clean!" maybe you should go fuck yourself. I don't keep anything in that god damn room. The only thing I can think of is some dust from the lint trap that they never fucking clean out and I have to do every fucking time I want to use the dryer.

I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them!

Oh, I did I mention I hate them?

Come on September, I can't get out of here fast enough.

Is This Better T?

It is finally Friday. I know that I'm not the only person who has been looking forward to this day all week, but man, I am glad. Somedays work drags me down so much. I do a very good job of sitting here, seeming very calm and non stressed (the people who know me the most will think that's not even possible...according to Rob I have stress all the way down to my toes) but it just stresses me to be here somedays. The stuff that goes on sometimes is hard to handle and I have to bite my tongue until it's nearly bitten in half.

Thursday morning as I was leaving my apartment when I noticed a tiny little yellow sticky note by my front door at the top of the stairs. It said "Please keep stairwell clean. Thanks!!!!!" I thought you god damn bitches. I was home ALL night Wednesday. I know they were home too, because they were stomping up and down the stairs all night long, and left the stairwell lights on as usual. Good thing I don't pay utilities cause I would have a huge issue with that. But the point is, I was home all night long. My lights were on, my tv was on, they knew I was there. Yet they didn't even have the common courtesy to knock on my door and talk to me like a human being. No, they left me a note like I'm some fucking leper or something. And what gets me is the stairs aren't even messy. It's not like they are covered in mud and garbage. There is some dust in a few corners and a small section of melted snow water where I take my shoes off. OH MY GOD! CALL THE BOARD OF HEALTH! THE HOUSE SHOULD BE CONDEMNED!!!!

Jesus Christ. Some people's children. So I, being the bitter, bitter person that I am when I am pissed off in any way will A: never forgive them for the slight. B: Not take the sticky note down. C: Clean up the "horrible mess" when I am good and ready. Fuck them. Assholes.

As you may or may not have been able to tell, I am still slightly upset about the whole thing. Just another thing to bury deep down inside and add to the ulcer I've been brewing for my whole life.

On a happy note, my boy came over last night, which was nice. I really missed him, you know, went two whole days without seeing him. Golly gee that's a long time! I do love him though. He is going to do my taxes for me. Yay! And I get to spend time with Chrissy and T tomorrow, which will also be good.

This whole landlord thing has really just cemented the fact that I have to get the hell out of that basement. Rob and I have been thinking seriously about Nova Scotia. He's worried about finding a well paying job. I'm worried about leaving my friends behind. But I miss my family so much, and so many of them are aging now, and getting sick, or growing up, and I'm missing all this time that I could be spending with them, even if I was living in Halifax. Plans are slowly in motion. I guess I'll just have to wait and see where they take us.

This one is for T:

Blog updated!

A clean Bathroom is a clean Soul

Probably highly unlikely. But very fun to say even if it means nothing, just like so many of the other things that I say.

Tonight I am actually sitting at my table using my laptop which is highly unusual for me, but a bit more comfortable then hunched over on my weird bench thing. If only the TV was closer (except I am listening to an amazing mixture of East Coast music right now and not watching TV). From the headline you can probably understand that I just finished cleaning my bathroom. It was nasty. Tonight Rob isn't over, it's one of our "break" nights, so my landlords can't be total assholes. But I don't always mind. Sometimes it's nice just to be by myself and listen to my music and talk to my friends or cleaning my apartment without having to entertain Rob. I know he says I don't need to entertain him, but I do. So the alone nights are sometimes necessary. (How am I ever going to live with someone again?)

This past weekend was pretty good, other then the horrible ice and snow and shit weather that Calgary seems so fond of having. Friday we went to the comedy club with Kendra and her new boyfriend Fred. He is by far the most normal guy she's had in a long time, and very nice too. It was an awesome night. I laughed so hard at jokes I don't even remember now. Saturday we lazed around all day because of the weather and because we were lazy, then went to celebrate T's birthday. I drank too many free bottle caps without buying a round. Next time, I have to buy a round. I'm a friggin' mooch. Sunday I woke up to wonderful stomach cramps. Damn you Atlas pizza! It does that to me every once and a while, but it's so damn good I can't not eat it! So I missed out on going to breakfast and the sex shop with Chrissy and T, but I didn't miss out on getting up at 6am to see Rob off to work. Poor boy. I went back to sleep.

This weekend is pretty open. Saturday I'll be spending some quality time with my girls at the above mentioned sex shop. Should be an interesting time.

Work is work. The same old crap, just a different day. I might be moving into an office with Robin even sooner then expected though, so that's good. It will be nice to have desk space and for it to be quiet when I'm trying to work. Good times. Fingers crossed that it happens sooner rather then later.

I realized tonight how out of touch I am with the people from home. People are getting married and having babies and I know nothing whatsoever about it. I know that it doesn't matter, these people aren't my family or my close friends, but jesus, I get up surrounded by them all. It's hard when you know everyone, to suddenly know nothing about them.

Sunday I randomly got homesick and cried in front of Rob. It was extremely embarrassing.

Another weekend down the drain

They go by way too fast. It hardly seems fair. The week at work drags on to the point where I want to poke myself in the eye with my pen so I can go home and maybe go on worker's comp for a while, yet the weekends speed by as if they didn't actually exist. Not fair at all. :(

This weekend turned out quite nice, even if I didn't think it would get as warm as it did (note: it is now currently snowing in the NE. God damn Calgary!) Friday wasn't very productive. I got off of work an hour early, which was a nice surprise, hung around home for a while, then Rob picked me up and we went to try and find him a new pair of shoes and a Spring jacket. No such luck. We found some jackets that were really nice and fit really well but were way too short on my tall boy and made him look silly. Amazingly enough, we were able to leave the malls and stores without spending any money at all.

Saturday I was in one of my baking moods. I got up and started making banana chocolate chip muffins and crepes. The apartment smelt great. Then I lazed around with the boy for a while and got ready to go out for sushi with Chrissy and T and a few other people. On the way there, we stopped and got Rob some nice new shoes, so one thing accomplished at least.

The sushi wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, though I ate no fish. I mainly stuck to crab and eel and I had to eat with my fingers because I couldn't figure out the chopsticks. It was such a beautiful night when we left I didn't want to go home. We stopped at Market Mall, I got my Vans that I've been eyeing and we drove home.

Sunday was much the same. Lazing around and then we actually got up and did some errands. It was a beautiful day. I got T's birthday present and a new shirt and stuff for myself which is good. Then we did groceries and went home. I got a massive headache last night that just wouldn't go away, so I ended up going to bed pretty early. But I apparently am a huge nerd and can't go to sleep when the boy isn't beside me.

I got some distressing news from Jill a couple of weeks ago. One of our high school teachers (who we both also knew a bit outside of school) had some sort of a break down and was in the hospital at home. He was a suicide risk and was seeing things and was just gone nuts. Jill's Mom called Jill to let her know, and to also find out if we could send him cards because apparently that really made him happy. That doesn't sound like the Lester I know, but ok. I've been in rough shape somewhat like that myself before, so if that's what he needs, good. I bought a card that I was going to send out soon when I got an email from Jill. Apparently Lester was home, doing better and was outside fixing his snow blower. Apparently he couldn't fix it, he got mad, freaked out and cut his wrists and chest so badly they had to do surgery. I hate hearing things like this because 1: I feel so bad for the people involved and wish I could help them and 2: That could have been me. It's as simple as that. That could have been me. It terrifies me. Thoughts like that actually keep me up at night.

Which could be the reason I've been having really awful dreams off and on the last bit. In at least three of the dreams now someone has been after me. Sometimes they get me, sometimes they don't. Each time it's scary.

And to add to the stress, my uncle Jamie got his scan results back. He's got something wrong with his brain. As far as the family doctor can tell, it's a strawberry birthmark in his brain. But we will know more on Wednesday when Jamie sees the specialist. I'm so worried for him. He is the sweetest boy. I love him and miss him and wish I could be here. This is why I hate Calgary (other then the insane weather). I'm not there when my family needs my support, or when I need their's...But all I can do is wait, and now it's time to go back to work. Good times will be had by all.

Snow? SNOW???

Yet another example of why I hate Calgary sometimes. It was nice yesterday. Today it snowed and snowed all day. The city was piled high with snow, of course there were lots of accidents, and I spent most of the day wishing and hoping that they would send us home, but no snow day. No snow day makes Lacey sad :( I hope tomorrow it's not too bad, but it was such a weird day. It wasn't cold, it was just very, very snowy. Not very impressed at all. At least it was pretty snow.

This weekend is going to be a pretty quiet weekend I think. Rob and I are going to go looking for shoes and clothes (shoes for him, clothes for me. Apparently I'm not allowed to buy anymore shoes). Saturday we are going to go out for sushi with Chrissy and T. I promised that I would try some, but I didn't promise I would like it.

I just want to sleep and sleep. I'm in one of those moods. I'm tired all the time now it seems. Last night Rob went to his own apartment for a change and I had the whole bed to myself. When he's not here I roll all over the bed, I sleep better when he is around.

Today my Mom asked me when he was getting me a ring. I told her to shut up. Ah, good times.

Wondering

I'm wondering if I should or could put some of my poems on here. I don't know if I have the courage to let people read them. I've only ever let a few people read them in the past.....I will think on it.

Weekend Happiness

This weekend was a pretty amazing weekend, despite one or two things, namely a pain Rob had in his chest area on and off for the whole weekend.

Friday was a typical Friday for Rob and I, just hanging out and stuff. Saturday we did some errands with my limited amount of money, and he took me for a hot dog and onion rings which I found extremely enjoyable. I love a good onion ring, but hate onions. Go figure. We got home and hung out for a bit and then I started to get ready because he had tickets for a community act of the Pirates of Penzance (which was actually very well done, except for the lead girl who sung so high that sometimes my ears tried to bleed.)

I got ready in the bathroom, hair, makeup, nice clothes and sparkly silver shoes, you know, all the stuff i normally DON'T do in the run of the day and when I came out, all dressed and ready to go, Rob gave me such a look...like a "You're stunning and I love you look," it was a pleasant surprise to get. He told me all night how he had the prettiest girl there, which is hard to believe, but nice to hear. He makes me feel so good about myself sometimes. And you know what, even If I'm not skinny, I am pretty. That should be enough. Somedays, like Saturday, it was.

So the play was great, I enjoyed myself a lot, even though it was crazy hot in there. Sunday I convinced him to go to the clinic and get his chest checked out. The doctor thinks it's an infection and gave him some medication, and is sending him for some tests just to make sure everything is ok. I'm worried about him. I know everything is going to be fine, but still, it's hard not to worry. The chest is kind of important, you know?

I get paid on Friday. Thank god. I hate having no money. Though my account has lots of money in it because my landlords are stupid and never seem to want to cash the rent cheque on time. It's dated for the 1st! Cash it on the 1st! Don't let me keep believing the lie that I have money! It's just not healthy! Anyway, this weekend I want to get some new clothes, my poor jeans all have holes in them and I really need new shirts. I also want new shoes, but Rob won't let me have any, which is a good thing. I have some sort of addiction going on there. So hurry up and get here Friday! And my raise better be on this cheque!

Threats and Promises

T told me today that our friendship would be over if I didn't update my blog today, so here I am, updating my blog even though I really don't have a whole lot to talk about. Well, maybe I do, I never know until I start typing away.

I had some blood tests taken recently. That was fun. Dad wanted me to get my blood sugar went, so I put it off for as long as I could (the three week period in there didn't help any, cause I had to pee in a cup, and then I threw out the sheet I was supposed to take in, so that didn't help either). I fasted, I got up early, (I had an appointment this time so I wouldn't be waiting outside for an hour) I went to the clinic and I got five tubes of blood taken and peed not very well in a cup. Then I went to work (yes, on a Saturday, thank you year end) and woofed down a breakfast sandwich like there was no tomorrow. About half way through the day I felt woozy. By 4:30 when Rob picked me up I was about ready to faint. I guess my blood sugar was down. Pepsi fixed that right up.

They called saying they had the results almost right away. I was stressing out. Worrying there was something wrong. I had seriously messed up dreams which was not fun. I had stressed out days. I had weepy days. I had push everyone away days. Then I got my results and everything came back good. Huge sighs of relief were heard around the world. Other then being a chub, Lacey is healthy. Good stuff.

Work is work. Certain people have backed off for the most part, which is good. I also got a pretty decent raise which makes me happy. I will get to see it on my next cheque which is great, seeing as how I have a cash flow problem at the moment, as in, I have none to flow, and had to borrow money from Rob which made me feel like a big loser. He says it's ok, and that he feels bad for not paying anything towards my apartment, but I'm adult, i should be able to handle this stuff on my own.

They have made some new changes at work, none of which has really affected me yet, but it's causing all sorts of crap for me indirectly. Good times. An asshole downstairs is marking up prices on purpose to make a point, and good times are being had by all. For example, the invoice says $162.00. He PO'ed and received it in the system as $166,666.66. A bit of a difference. Um, we're being audited for that now because of the huge difference. He doesn't seem to understand that these changes are coming from the Big Boss because he wants to know where all of his money is. And the CFO could lose his job because he's being a dick and poor Tom has to explain these prices. Good job asshole. Good job.

I'm hoping to take my bottles back this weekend since they are over taking my apartment. Rob is also taking me to a musical on Saturday, very excited about that. Oh! And the most exciting thing:

OASIS!!!

Rob got us Oasis tickets for August...insanely excited about that! I love my honey. Even if I do call him an asshole sometimes. :)

"I couldn't feel so I tried to touch"

That has to be one of my most favorite lines from anything. Leonard Cohen is a god. Well, I don't believe in gods, but if I did, he would be one.

It's so true though. Sometimes you can't feel, so you try to touch, whoever or whatever you can.

Last week was one of my first bad weeks in a long time. I still have bad days sometimes. I think I will always have bad days, no matter what happens to me. But that was the first time it when on for days. I was miserable without a reason, on the verge of tears without anything happening to make me cry. I was just sad nonstop. I tried to shut myself off from Rob at all times, but I did talk to Chrissy, because if anyone out there can understand, and not try to judge me or make me feel worse about myself, it's Chrissy. Jill has been there for me in the past, and I will always be grateful for that. There are times that I don't know if I would be where I am, or here at all, if I didn't have Jill. But Chrissy seems to have gone through a lot of the same stuff as me. So much so that it's kind of freaky sometimes. But it's nice when people know where you're coming from, when you don't have to explain everything to death. When they can just look at you and know what's wrong.

I'm feeling better this week, even though work is going to suck a lot this week and a half, but I will survive. I somehow always do.

Tonight we celebrated Chrissy's quitting of ADT which is awesome and I'm so proud of her for it! She finally got out! We had talked about going to the Cheesecake Cafe on Monday after work, but for some reason Rob didn't feel like going tonight, which, I'll be honest, did upset me a bit. She is my BEST friend here, and she's been with me no matter what. This was an important day. I don't really understand. But Chrissy and T and Blake picked me up in T's new car (I'm so happy for her!) and we went and despite a car accident (not the new car thankfully) we all had a great time. It was awesome. I had slushy drinks. That was fun. Even though I was the only person not part of a couple/family, we celebrated, had some great food and a great time. Congrats Chrissy!!!

Sick Days

So the front desk girl gave me bronchitis. That sure sucked. I nearly died during inventory, just from the counting. Ok, I was also running around, on my feet all day, doing heavy lifting and carrying, and all sorts of fun stuff like that. I didn't get home until after 8 so I was exhausted from that. Then I waited until midnight for Rob to get here from curling and then I pretty much just got sick. I didn't do anything all weekend and didn't go to work on Monday.

Chrissy, T, and Blake came and took me to the clinic. Blake informed me that having his finger slammed in the door was much worse then my cough, which I guess is true. It turned out I had the coughing disease and spent the next two days napping and coughing at home. I went back to work and was informed that some people thought I had been on job interviews which is always fun. But I finished out the week.

I got up early on Saturday to go do blood work after fasting all night. After searching for the stupid lab, I found it and there was a HUGE crowd, even people waiting outside. So I said forget that and ended up hanging out with Chrissy and her Mom at the mall, which was cool. Rob picked me up and then we got the stuff needed for Game Night.

Game Night. Fun! Nacho Dip, Cheese cake. Board Games. Random Playlist. Let's just say, wonderful. That is until my landlord banged on my door and told us to be quiet because the baby was trying to sleep. We weren't even being that loud. And it was the first time I've ever had more then one person over to my apartment, and I've been here for almost 8 months. I think they've been pretty fucking lucky with their renter. I'm pretty sure they're going to get a divorce, they're always stomping around upstairs and yelling and screaming at each other in the common staircase which isn't uncomfortable for me at all...I'm very sorry that you guys are going through a rough time, but don't treat your good renter like shit. I've only ever asked them for help with the mice that I had when I first moved in. That's it. My bathroom sink has been broken for months now, but I don't want to bother them with it because I feel bad. I feel like making a big fucking fuss about it now, just to be a bitch.

I tried not to let it bother me, and I did have a really fun night. I love hanging out with Rob, Chrissy and T, they're my favorite people ever, I can't stop laughing when we're all together.

When they left, Rob was dozing on the couch. I got ready for bed, and then dragged him into the bedroom. I talked to him for a while and then he soon fell asleep. I sat in bed for a while, just staring at the walls and then got up and came out here. That just put me in one of my moods. I started to feel down, and then that turned into a random feeling of sadness, so I figured if I wrote it out, it would make me feel better, and it has. Writing has such a healing effect for me.

Two more things to mention quickly. 1: Thursday night, Rob, Chrissy T and I all went to see the Drag Kings, and it was pretty awesome. Rob I think was bored and/or uncomfortable, so next time I think I will leave him home. I love him, but there are some things that maybe we can't share. 2: I wrote a poem back in September when Chrissy and I were having major issues with Karma. In it I described Karma as a bitch goddess and Chrissy really liked it. Well, turns out she wants to get her tattoo artist to draw it out for her, and then get it tattooed on her. Depending on what he comes up with, maybe I'll get it too. I haven't decided yet. But it means a lot to me that she liked the poem so much, she wants to make it a part of her. I love you Chrissy!

Wedding Stress

Who doesn't love a wedding? Especially a summer wedding? I've been waiting for this moment for so long, I can hardly believe it's happening!

I wonder if anyone freaked out from reading that? No, I'm not getting married but my dear friend Stacia (who I have never met in person) is finally getting married to her boy John. I'm so happy for them, it's been a long time coming, and now I get to take my first trip to the States and go be in a Kentucky wedding. I'm going to melt. That's a fact. Good times!

I'm slightly stressed out though. The wedding is this August. That means I have to start a travel fund, buy gifts, get my dress and try to lose some of this weight so I don't look like a ball rolling down the aisle. I'm insanely exicted for them though, despite the stress. I'm so excited that I will get to meet her. We've been talking since I was 16, back in the day of ICQ. Ah, ICQ, good times! She's amazing, and even though we've never met eye to eye, she knows me so amazingly well it's scary sometimes.

It seems like everyone is getting married lately. I guess once you reach a certain age, that's what starts to happen. It's still really weird though.

So I'm just sort of randomly bouncing off the walls for her wedding. Yay! Wedding!

wow...counting sucks ass

Today is my first day of inventory ever. It sucks. A lot. I sort of kind of hate it like the plague and wanted to stab myself with my pen half way through so I could leave. And I'm not done. I'll be doing it for the rest of the day at least, probably tomorrow too...maybe even the next day...At least on Friday I'll be entering. Which probably also sucks. I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing. Right now I'm on lunch, and half asleep. The Pepsi I got from the nearly broken machine isn't helping keep me awake. I should have brought some of the fudge that I bought in Banff with Rob on the weekend...the sugar in that would give me a short lived high, that's for sure.

Can I take a moment to discuss how much people in general annoy me? There have been signs up for about two weeks now, talking all about inventory, and how it will start on Monday, and if your name is on the list then report to these people on Monday morning for your stations, etc. Today when I first started counting, I don't know how many people came in and tried to take stuff. Um, asshole, what do you think the four of us with clipboards are doing? Get the fuck out of here, learn to read, and leave me alone. I just know now that we're all on lunch, they're going in there and taking stuff. That wouldn't surprise me at all.

I think I'm still a little tired and cranky from the weekend. Still totally worth it. Have I mentioned how pretty my pearls are? I so wanted to wear them today, but I thought it would look weird, and I'm already the only girl in a huge building full of men, so I don't need to stand out anymore. I'll probably wear them on the weekend, and maybe next week at work a couple of times. I love them. And Rob too, becasue he is the giver of said pearls.

It's about time to go keep counting...someone please save me! Lacey doesn't LIKE to count things :(

And now that the weekend is over...

Friday did not work out like I thought it would. As you know from my last rant, it was a shitty day at work. I ended up staying late, and I got home around 6:30 instead of 5:10 like I normally do. So that means that I missed going to the comedy club with Kendra and Bree which sucks, I really, really wanted to go...I've never been before and I just think it would be a lot of fun, obviously. So instead of sitting in a club and laughing my ass off, I did laundry and talked to Chekov. Very exciting.

The good thing about this weekend was that Rob decided to wisk me away for my Valentine's/early half anniversary (I know, we're gross), so on Saturday morning, off we went to Banff. It was an amazing weekend, we had a lot of fun, and did all sort of "I love you" stuff, so probably a good idea that we were alone.

I've always wanted a pair of black fresh water pearls. I found some in a store for only $55 and he bought them for me as an early gift. They are so pretty I can't stop looking at them. We went to museums and shops and spent a lot of time walking around. I relaize how out of shape I am because my legs are killing me right now.

We spent the night in a pretty decent hotel. The room was HUGE and there was a king size bed which I enjoyed running and jumping/bouncing on, among other things.

I got really tired today though, due to all the stupid loud and drunk skiers in the hotel with us. Rob, as usual, slept through everything. so between 3 and 5am I basically enjoyed rolling around in the huge bed. I think the mountain air may have had something to do with that too.

So even though I am sore and tired and a bit cranky today, it was totally worth it to spend that time with Rob.

work....ugh....work

So this whole week at work has been crazy. One girl was out for half of the week because of the stomach flu, and the rest of the week because of getting her wisdom teeth removed (I love her today though because she came in at lunch time) and the receptionist has been out sick all week. She was in for about half an hour yesterday before she was sent home.

So all week I've been up front off and on. It's really hard for me to get my own work done, and it makes me mad being up there. It's not my job. Usually another of the girls would split the day with me, but she's not here today either. Argh!

Robin is my one saving grace. I've been working with her since Christmas or so, in AP. I really like to staple things together, so this is good for me. She always tells me how much she loves having me working with her, and how much we're getting done. Today she told me she would go up front after lunch for me, so I could get some of my own work done. Thank god for something. She's wonderful, and she knows how frustrated I was getting.

Because it's not just the up front stuff. I have to do my own work, and the other girl's work too. And answer the phone will up front. Somehow I have to try to run cheques for the US and Canada, and check and mail out about 200 work orders and invoices (not my job) plus inventory stuff that I have to do today after 4. I almost cired today. I get so stressed out and worked up. I enjoyed Chrissy's comment of "Wow who killed their last slave so you could have the job? " Thank you Chrissy! You make me smile when I want to pull my hair out.

Anyway, I just felt the need to complain. I feel better now that I've typed all of this stuff out. And now it's on to the rest of my day...joy!

Lacey Sad

Boris is dead. I found him this afternoon after work, curled up in the chips. He finally came out of the tube. I wish I had been here. I know that he was only a hamster, and his brain is the size of a dime, but it makes me sad that he died alone. I guess he wasn't alone, Chekov was here, but I doubt he was very comforting, especially since he was climbing over him to get to the water bottle. At least he didn't try to eat him.

I'm SO sad. How is that even possible? He was a hamster I've only had for a few days, not even a week. I just feel like I shouldn't have taken him. If I hadn't, he'd still be alive and fat and happy. I just hope that Chekov will be ok.

I'm retarded for being so sad over a hamster.

oops

One thing I forgot to mention, which I think is important. I bought Rob a gift for his birthday in October that I thought might be gay. It was a canvis painting with a saying about music on it. He did like it, and I know he did now because when he saw there was blood on it, he FREAKED out. He really didn't want to throw it away, and was really glad when he was able to clean it. One good thing I guess.

He loves me. It makes me all warm inside.

Weekend whining

So all in all, it was a pretty stressful weekend. I realized that yesterday I didn't mention any of the crap that happened on Saturday, due to my fears over the likely death of my adopted hamster baby Boris. I fully expect to see him stiff and dead in the tube that he has not come out of when I get home today. But moving on to other things....

First off, nothing horrible but just annoying. There's a "friend" living in Edmonton. We went to jr high school together for a few years. I haven't seen or spoken to her in probably 10 years. She found me on face book and started wondering if she could come up for a visit. I said sure, maybe sometime. Now, I'm not a people person. I don't mind hanging out but I HATE having people I don't really know staying with me. It kind of freaks me out. Plus, the only place for anyone to stay other then in bed with me, is on the couch that's on the floor. Probably not the nicest way to spend a night.

So a week ago or so, she had msn'ed me and said she was thinking of coming up on the 22nd, would I be around? I said probably, she said good. I ASSUMED she had somewhere else to stay, cause if you were planning on staying with someone, wouldn't you give a bit more information? That's right, she was staying with me, and mentioned it on Friday. I was more then a bit ticked off and I let it show. We got into it a bit, so now I don't know if she's coming or not. I'm not going to make any attempt to contact her, that's for sure.

On to bigger and worst things.

Friday Rob came over to my place right after work. Even though we are basically living in sin, there are times that he actually uses his apartment for more than a storage space. Normally he goes home on Friday's after work, chills out for a bit, and then goes and curls until midnight or so, when he comes to my house and we (usually) sleep. This weekend though, curling was earlier, so I braced myself and went with him. I discovered that I can watch about an hour the game before I want to have a nap. I really enjoy watching that first hour, but then I just get too antsy or something. I don't know. Anyway, that was fine. We drove down town to get the key's he left at his place after the game, and then went home.

The next morning it seemed to be a nice day, so he suggested going to the dinosaur musuem, which I really wanted to go to. I said fine, we rushed around, got ready (after I talked to Jill's Mom for a bit, I miss Charlotte) and proceeded to go to his place so he could get his camera. I sat in the car, waiting. Then he came back out of the ally and motioned for me to get out of the car. I did, and as I walked up close to him he said "We won't be going to the museum today." I was kind of ticked off and asked why. That's when he pointed to his broken bedroom window.

The screen was mangled, the glass was smashed. I was so shocked. I know I live in a big city, but sometimes I forget that break ins and stuff don't just happen on tv, but around the city every day. Small town innocence I guess. I followed him into his apartment (kind of freaked out...what if they were still there? Unlikely at 11:30 on a Saturday morning, but still). The rest of the apartment was fine. His bedroom was not.

I've never been so freaked out in my life. His bedroom walls and bed were covered in blood. All I could think of was how glad I was my baby wasn't there when it happened. It was horrible. He was freaked out, understandably, and I just didn't know what to do. All I kept thinking was how glad I was that nothing was taken. Yes, there was blood and glass everywhere, but his laptop and camera were still there. He called Vince, who was on vacation to let him know and to get his other room mate's phone number. Then the room mate came home and said he didn't hear or notice anything. so it happened before he got home at 11:30 the night before. The police and land lord were called and we waited.

The police were really quick and nice. We gave our id's and wrote witness statements. The nearest the police could figure was that someone might have been trying to hide and kicked in the window. Maybe someone was high. Maybe someone was fighting and got pushed though. All I know is that it was a really crappy way to spend a Saturday.

Rob is so great. He kept apologizing for wrecking my Saturday, as if it was his fault. I love him.

We got out of there around 4, which is pretty good time wise I think. We threw away his sheets, and washed his comforters, I don't think there was anything but dirt from shoes on those. We washed the blood from his stuff, using about a million pieces of paper towel. Then we tried to do happier things, like get stuff for my hamster babies and pizza and blizzards. He had mentioned getting drunk that night (he probably could have used it) but we were supposed to get up early and go to a hockey game the next day.

Of course we didn't go. I wasn't feeling good and sitting in a cold rink probably wasn't the best of ideas. And he didn't want to go without me. I think he's slightly attached. Sunday was spent feeling blah, both physically and mentally, and crying at random times over Boris, who I kind of wish would just die so he wouldn't suffer anymore. Chekov continues to be crazy.

He stayed over again. He's spent the last 10 nights or so at my place. I have to admit, I really do love it. When he's over, it feels right, and not annoying or smothering like my ex. In the end, he was over constnatly, mostly because he was a loser and didn't have his own apartment, just a room, so he probably liked being at my place a lot more, and i hated it. i didn't feel like i could do my own stuff. With Rob over, I can read, or talk to my Mom on the phone, or go on the computer...it's just great.

Yesterday Chrissy, Blake and T came over for a little while. Chrissy is awesome and I love her for giving a special someone a heart attack yesterday. I love you so much! Best burn ever! Blake had hurt his finger but was still excited to see Chekov. And T had a nap on my couch. That proves that even if it is on the floor, it's still comfy. I miss spending time with them and must make a Cheesecake date soon.

Well, that was my crazy weekend for anyone who wants to read about it. Not that many people actually know about this site. Oh well. Sorry it was so long. Had a lot of stress I needed to try to type out.

Typical

So I think one of my hamsters is going to die. I know that hamsters don't typically last very long, but I've only had them for a week and I really don't think it's fair. Boris has hardly moved all day, and just lays in the tube. Chekov is doing great, he's running around having a great time with life. It just makes me so sad. But yet I find it typical to my life. It's funny like that.

I'm just in such a mood these last few days. I don't know if it's becasue I'm sick or what. But I get really happy and then really pissed off, sometimes within minutes or even seconds. If I don't know how to deal with my moods, how is Rob supposed to? I love him to death. And I want to be with him. But sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier on everyone if I was a hermit living on my own somewhere. With cats. But not hamsters. I don't seem to do so well with them. Now I really regret taking Boris. I should have left him in his cage in the petstore. I don't want him to die.

Work Day Haze

I'm at work. Probably not the best place to be updating this blog, but I'm on my lunch, so that has to count for something. Even I wouldn't so bold as to do this during regular work time. Well, maybe at 4:30.

I wish I wasn't at work. I'm still sick (Thank you Chirssy for giving me the COLD FROM HELL) and want nothing more then to be curled up in bed, listening to my hamster babies squeak in the living room. I have to admit, I'm still a little unsure of them. I love them, they're cute and everything, but they are so tiny. I'm not used to having such tiny living things in my house that I'm not running away from. Being in a cage helps I guess. I'm more scared of the biting then anything else. I know that they're tiny, but Boris gave me a huge chomp the first night. I know he was freaked out and stressed and all, but damn it Boris, give me a break!

Yesterday was Love Day. I was really excited and stuff, first Love Day with Rob and all, but by the end of the night, I entered into yet another one of my famous moods out of no where. I don't understand it. I can be fine for so long, and then, out of no where, bam! I'm sad. No reason for the sadness, but my brain just thinks "oh, I'll be sad now, that's a good idea! that won't make people think you're manic or anything." It's very annoying. All I want to do is be "normal", well, as normal as a person can be.

And it makes me feel so bad for Rob. I mean, he ALWAYS wants to make me feel better, and sometimes he can't. Sometimes there are things that he can't fix. It sucks, but there are some things that I need to fix on my own. I'm not so good at that. Usually takes me years. But in the end, I usually get it fixed, as best I can.

I'm looking forward to sleeping after I have some supper tonight. I'll sleep (if I can) until Rob comes over after curling tonight at midnight or so. He's been over every night this week, and it's been really nice. We really are pretty much living in sin. He spends more time at my apartment then he does at his own. Is this practice?

First Post

Wow. I never actually thought that I would have a blog. Just didn't seem like the type of thing that I would do, which is funny when you consider that writing is one of the few things in life that I actually enjoy.

I've been living in Calgary now for two years. It's still hard for me to believe that I ever left Neil's Harbour. Sometimes it feels like I havn't, and this is all just a dream. Silly, I know, but I can't help it.

I've done a lot more out here then I know I ever would have done in Neil's Harbour. I've had jobs that pay more then 7 bucks an hour, a plus. I've dated losers (something I could have done at home) and used and been used by people. I've met amazing people who've become amazing friends and I've met horrible people who I wish I didn't know. And I met someone who I know I'll be spending the rest of my life with.

I've been through a lot of stuff in my life. Most of it caused by myself, letting things get inside of me, where they fester, where they stregthen, where they grow until they take over my life. I'm trying not to let that happen ever again. I can't let that happen. Ever again. My life is too important to me now.

People you will hear me talk about a lot: Rob, my boyfriend, the person who loves me so much more then I deserve. Chriss and T, two of the nicest people that you've ever met in your life, and who have been good to me. Chekov and Boris, my new Russian Dwarf Hamsters, who hate eachother. Good times!

This probably won't be updated all the time. Just when I feel like talking, and not talking with my words, because sometimes my mouth doesn't pick the right words.