Wow, I suck

Last post December 20th. Wow. Way to go Lacey, good job. Here we go again. I think I really have to at least make an effort to keep this up, because writing has always had a very important hand in keeping me (somewhat) sane. I feel better when I get things out, when I can see the words that have been flying around in my head.

The last thing I wrote about was my Grampy's funeral. Happy thoughts. Let's continue with that for just a bit. Christmas was awful. It wasn't the same without him at all. Thankfully Meghan kept everyone pretty happy when she was around...she is so expressive, a true drama queen in the making. She had a wonderful time. Rob proposed to me on Christmas. I wish he had waited. I was already rocking from Grampy's death and my first Christmas at home in years which didn't exactly go as planned. I couldn't give it my happiness. I tried, and failed miserably. He felt bad, everyone couldn't understand why I pretty much hid the ring. It just wasn't the right time for it...

Anyway, I got through it. I'm in no way planning a wedding. I can't. I get too stressed out just thinking about it, and honestly, I wouldn't care if I got married at all, next year or in ten years. It's just not that big of a deal for me. Part of the reason is Grampy. I just assumed he'd be there, you know? Unlike my Poppy who passed away a few years ago, Grampy was always so full of life, and he fully intended to try to live forever, so, it was just expected that he would be there, beaming because he was so happy and proud, and even though I don't dance, I would have danced with him that day...but that's not going to happen now, and it saddens me so much.

Another reason is how incredibly fat I am. I hate my body, but I can't seem to get on the right track to do anything to change it. I just tried on my spring/summer dress shirts this morning, as I have a job interview in a few hours. Thought maybe I could pull out a nice shirt and at least TRY to look nice, though a huge blob of a person never looks nice, not really. Yeah. None of them fit. Oh, I could get them on. I could do up the buttons, but they were nearly popping. I shouldn't have even tried. Now I'm even more depressed. I feel like crying, but what's the point? I'm fat. End of story. And I'm always going to be fat, because I don't have the willpower to change that, and I refuse to be the fattest girl at my wedding. And I refuse to have a million pictures to remember myself as a white ball. Not gonna happen. No way, no how.

Oh, there are other reasons why I'm in no hurry to get married. Money for one. That's a big one I guess. And I often wonder if Rob and I will be ok married. We fight like cats and dogs as it is. I cracked this weekend about the mess he leaves EVERYWHERE he goes in the apartment. He told me he's trying and I nearly bit my tongue off. I'd hate to see what not trying looks like. Seriously. So he said he would try harder, and yeah, the first day, he did the dishes, and he tried to help with the boxes of junk still in the dining room. Yeah, now the junk is just spread all over the apartment. I'm going to lose it again, I know it, and you know what? I just don't care anymore. So be it. I made myself clear, he knows where I stand. I told him that I refused to be in a marriage like my parents. I love my parents, but there are parts of them that I hate. They were (still are half the time) miserable when we were growing up. Mom would freak out at everyone because she thought she got no help. And when I did try to help I got screamed at. No wonder I was a crier back in the day. I'm not going to become that angry, sad, screaming woman. She is already in there, trying to come out every chance she gets, and I'm not going to give her a constant outlet.

I feel more like Rob and I are roommates lately. We really don't act like a couple anymore. We've even been sleeping in separate rooms because he's been sick for two weeks now, coughing all night. I'm really enjoying the sleeping alone, except for the horribly sore back I get after laying down for a few hours...not really sure what's going on there, but it isn't fun. I guess I'm going to have to go bite the bullet and actually go to the doctors soon. I hate the doctor. Well, I like my doctor as a person, but hate doctors in general.

I have an interview today. I was a temp for two months at an office like a five minute drive away from my apartment. Would have been perfect, but I was told that they don't hire temps. Which is stupid if you ask me, but whatever. So now I have an interview for a job today at 4pm. It's in Bedford, so it'd be a sucky long bus ride that will make me cranky and want to kill myself, but it's a job. I need to have a job and make some money. Fingers crossed. They probably won't hire me because I'm so fat. Not getting my hopes up.

God, I'm a cheerful person aren't I? I am in all likely hood depressed again, but whatever. Been living with that for over ten years now, I think I can live with it longer.

I guess I should mention that we got a kitten and named him Benson. I love him, but I also hate him half the time. I don't think I should ever have kids. I'm pretty sure I'll be one of those mothers that drowns their kids in the bathtub because I snapped. Seriously. This is a serious worry for me.

Ok, I'm going to end this epic post now. I'll be sure to post the rejection and anger I feel when I don't get the job...ah, nothing like a positive outlook!

Does anyone even read this thing anymore?