Long Weekend

I'm stressed. Let me just make myself clear. It's really hard for me to be out here, so far away from my family. So much is happening at home, and some of my family tries to keep me in the dark about it, saying things are ok when they're really not.

My Grampy is sick. Really sick. He only weighs 130lbs now. He's tiny and sick. He tells me he feels good. How can you feel good when you're so sick? You can't. I hate not being there. He sounded good when I talked to him yesterday, and he called me his favorite girl, which made me happy. His doctor is on vacation so we won't hear back about the test results for a while. I'm terrified of test results. it seems like that's all that I wait for. Test results. And the results are never good. My Mother told me today that my Nanny Barb doesn't think Grampy will make it through the summer. I can't believe that's true. I can't believe that the last time I will have seen my grampy is over a year ago, when he hugged me on his front step and told me he loved me. He's one of the most stubborn people I've met, even more so then me, so I have to believe that he's a fighter, and that I will see him again.

My great grandmother is giving up on everything. She put her name in to the manor at home (old folk's home-really just a babysitter). It's like she just doesn't care anymore. About anything. My Mom is angry at her, and scared, I'm sure. We've been blessed with young grandparents. It's hard when they're getting old. I try to remember what it was like to lose my Poppy a few years ago, and that doesn't even seem real.

My uncle Jamie fell down at work the other day. Beat his arm all up. This might be the most upsetting for me. My uncle Jamie is the the nicest person in the world. He doesn't deserve this. God damn genetics.

My poor grandmother ended up in the hospital, with what I think is probably a stress induced issue. That poor woman.

My Dad is drinking a lot again. I don't know if it's because he has diabetes and he's upset about that, or if he's upset about the state of the crab fishery (last year it was about 10 or 15 thousand lbs they could catch, this year it was 5...that's our big money fishery). Mom is not happy, and all the stress she's under with her family...it's not a good mixture.

I want to be there. I want to push a button and fix everyone. I want to hug my Grampy and look him in the eyes and know that he's going to be ok. I want to hug my grandmother and take away her stress. I want to hug my uncle Jamie and take out the god damn genes in him that are making him sick. I want to make everyone better and happy. But I can't.

I cried a lot yesterday. I hate to cry. I spent a lot of my early life crying, and then just stopped and held as much inside as I could. I was folding laundry and started to cry. I felt like an idiot. Rob held me and made me lay down. He held me and I cried. I felt really stupid but I felt better afterwords. He told me, again, that I don't need to hold everything inside anymore. He's my rock. I don't need to do it on my own. But it's hard to hand that responsibility over to someone again. But if anyone can handle it, I think he can.